John's Blog

Counsious Evolution

How can one be totally present and accepting and still strive to be a better person or work on self-improvement? I get this type of question fairly often from students, especially when we are reading some seemingly esoteric text directly and indirectly stating that enlightenment requires complete acceptance of the moment. How can we have a "goal" of reaching higher consciousness while accepting that we're not "there" yet. If we are content to just be, why would we strive for more? Of course, the easy answer is that full acceptance is itself an "end point" of sorts...but such solipsism doesn't usually get me very far in a discussion.

The more difficult answer, and the way that I try to live my life (with varying degrees of success), has to do with what I refer to as placement. Who we think we are and how we define our experience is often relative to culturally dictated data sets that we collect about ourselves, like our weight, our bank balance, job title, status, etc. We use this data stream to compare and contrast our current position with where we have been. Life is "good" as long as we see a positive trend and tends to make us anxious when we notice negative growth. The placement part of this is related to identifying our position, placing our ego, relative to stuff that is in flux, like our bank account, our waist line or our partner, rather than something infinite like universal compassion, pure awareness or non-violence. When we stop tying our sense of self so strongly to culturally predictable normative standards and begin instead to shape our identity around unbounded ideas like pure awareness, our position shifts from the fluctuation of outcome to one anchored in possibility..
For me personally this translates into being a highly motivated, goal oriented, overachiever without loosing sight of what’s really important. In fact, I try to regularly evaluate where I am and reset my intentions to move me toward greater abundance but my sense of who I am or what makes John a “good” person has little to do with external factors. I continually orient myself towards trying without being attached to the outcome. I can continue to strive for greater abundance and new experience, without feeling limited by the results of my endeavors, because I have set my internal awareness towards a concept that is greater than my own limited existence. Working this way offers one the benefit of being proactive without the drawback of self-definition based on accomplishments alone. On a day to day level, I have goals and the pendulum of success swings back and forth but in terms of my life work, my experience transcends these temporary fluctuations.
A mind set like this can take a little getting used to and requires consistent practice in letting go of the linear methodology employed by our woonky culture. Its like arguing gravity is relative. Of course, on earth, gravity isn’t relative but how we frame our relationship to its force in our life is relative. Without gravity we wouldn’t have a down or an up and our placement in space would depend on “choice” rather than assumption (Think The Matrix). For me, regular meditation and LOTS of asana work helps wash away some of life’s inherent habituation, keeping me clear and focused on the big picture...god.
Sadly I have noticed over the last few years that this great practice we call YOGA is itself becoming mired in limited constructs of money, power, fame and status. Instead of practices providing students with a place to land and evolve after hyper scheduled days, I see more and more teachers emphasizing outcome as they take their students through endlessly rehearsed scripts. The result is a strict and mundane kind of experience where students believe yoga = legs behind the head, rather than yoga = liberation from self-limitation. So look for more creativity and less...status quo...from onlYoga in the coming months as the studio continues to evolve consciously.
Sadly I have noticed over the last few years that this great practice we call YOGA is itself becoming mired in limited constructs of money, power, fame and status. Instead of practices providing students with a place to land and evolve after hyper scheduled days, I see more and more teachers emphasizing outcome as they take their students through endlessly rehearsed scripts. The result is a strict and mundane kind of experience where students believe yoga = legs behind the head, rather than yoga = liberation from self-limitation. So look for more creativity and less...status quo...from onlYoga in the coming months as the studio continues to evolve consciously.

Summer Newsletter 2006

Acquire an 8.5 x 11” piece of paper and a black writing pen. Draw a line across the page so that your piece of paper is divided into two separate spaces (it doesn't matter where you start or whether it is a vertical or horizontal line as long as it bisects the page). Now draw a circle near but not touching the line (it doesn't matter how large or small the circle is as long as it fits in one of the two spaces on the page). Place the paper in the center of a table that you can walk around. Pick a side and stand facing the drawing. Describe the relationship of the circle to the line. Moving clockwise, walk around the table stopping in turn on each side to describe the relationship of the circle to the line. Continue around the table until you end up where you started. Notice how the relationship of the circle to the line changes. Sometimes the circle will be above the line, sometimes below. Sometimes the circle will be to the left of the line and sometimes to the right. Now ask yourself the following question

“What changed the relationship of the circle to the line?”.
The relationship of subject to object is an artifice of the mind relevant only as long as we insist on maintaining our perspective of up versus down, left versus right, inside versus outside, hot versus cold, black versus white, etc. What does this have to do with anything? Well, as long as we maintain a perspective that places us in opposition to our subject then we are separate from it. Placing ourselves in opposition to our subject makes sense if we are attempting to stay out of the way of the MARTA bus on Peachtree Street but it begins to cause problems when we make ourselves the subject of our inquiry. How can you both be yourself and be separate from yourself simultaneously? How can you be in opposition to you? Trying to hold this kind of mental space is the root of dysfunction. It is easiest for me to conceive of this concept in terms of music. To experience music is not to read notes on a page or say out-loud the words of a song. To experience music is to hear or play or sing the notes and the words, to actively participate in the process of making the musical language into Being. To experience the Self, or to experience God requires the same kind of active participation. God is not a conceit of the mind to be grasped but rather a continual act of non-placement.

The tradition of New Year’s is as ancient as civilization itself. In ancient Babylon the turning of the year coincided with mid-March and the transformation of Winter into Spring. In modern times, 153 B.C., we see the figure of Janus (January) a mystical king from early Rome appearing at the head of the calendar. With two faces, Janus could reflect on the past year and consider possibilities of the coming cycle. Janus the god of beginnings and the guardian of thresholds became a symbol for the resolutions we now associate with the holiday. Although the date for New Year’s Day varies in every culture, the theme of celebration and the customs observed to ensure a fulfilling new year are universal. 

Reinventing Yourself

New Year’s is the only holiday that celebrates the passage of time. It’s no surprise then that as we explore the last few moments of the year our thoughts can be reflective, even introspective. Inevitably our introspection leads us to consider possible ways we might improve upon our self and our life in the coming year. Thus ensues the annual ritual of making resolutions. New Year’s is a perfect time to begin the process of reinventing ourselves and in the process replace some outdated habits with fresh invigorating new experiences. Approaching the coming year as a painter would undertake a blank canvas, full of creative possibilities, can fill our life with passion fueled by a sense of natural purpose, intention and hope.
Maintaining Your Momentum
While we may start the year with great intentions for forging ahead in the most positive way possible, come mid-February we are often faced with the shocking reality that staying healthy, happy and successful is hard work. So what do we do when we start to feel the momentum and excitement of those “new” resolutions fade? What can we do to reinvigorate our commitment and make sure we stay on course for the year? Below are some simple strategies for ensuring that this year’s resolutions don’t turn into next year’s anxiety.

1. Make a plan. Break it down. What are the top five things you need to do in order to keep your resolutions rolling? What adjustments, both long-term and short-term, will need to be made in order to achieve your goal(s)?
2. Stop punishing yourself for “bad” behavior. If you get off track don’t waste time wallowing in your own vomit. Keep the self flagellations to a minimum and simply get back on track! Guilt and shame can be short term motivators but ultimately serve only to reinforce what we already know about ourselves.
3. Make the time. This is one of the biggest road blocks to success. You have to carve out the time you need to work on yourself. This should be a no-brainer given that you are your greatest resource.
4. Don’t try to save the world tomorrow. Pick realistic manageable goals that can be achieved over the short and long-term. Picking impossible goals can be a great excuse to fail. Multiple smaller successes can be just as powerful as one large achievement.
5. Motivation, motivation, motivation. Write it down. Talk about it to your friends, partner, family. Motivation keeps us clear and honest during those murky times when that extra piece of chocolate cake is calling or when we think we are just too busy to make it to class. Motivation is not static so what motivates you today may be different next week or next month. Be prepared to adapt your motivation to suit changes in your lifestyle and attitude over the course of the year. Motivation keeps our commitments fresh and invigorating!
Now then, go out there and conquer the world! Happy New Year!

Nothingness: nonexistence, empty space, a void...

For everyone there is a certain amount of struggle involved in living life. We all struggle at different times with issues like relationships, money, family, career, loss, addiction, health, love, etc. Often our life struggles are paralleled by resistance on our mat. In our practice, the struggle shows up first as tightness or generalized fatigue in our muscles. As we deepen our practice we notice that the feeling of physical resistance is purely a symptom of mental distraction and inner contraction. If we pause here and look closely we see that our struggle stems from some outdated mental form used to prop up our ego...

During particularly intense periods of resistance and struggle in my own life, I have had glimpses of what lies behind the difficulty in letting go of rigidity and learning to loosen up. (I can think back to being a small child and wandering off from my mother through the clothes racks at the mall. Upon realizing that I had lost her, the department store that seemed so pleasantly stimulating just moments before, suddenly became ominous and intimidating.) Letting go can feel very much like being lost or disappearing. In the space of a heart beats brief life, as we loosen our grip on security, an awareness of panic often floods our senses. The physical or mental act of letting go releases an emotional wave carrying within it the energy we were using to hold on. At the apex of the wave our consciousness is subsumed by a more instinctual part of our brain formulated around our drive to survive. Like a falling leaf, we become displaced from all that seemed cozy and familiar. For just a moment, as we stop controlling the forces around us, we disappear into the chaos of unfamiliar territory. Our dislocation, even if only an instant, is like a miniature death for our ego...
So the struggle is always about trying to maintain or extend some false sense of security we are attempting to carry with us into the present. Even if the security we cling to is obviously self-limiting, it’s difficult for us to believe that it will be replaced by something else, often something more fulfilling. In this light the assertion, made by Patanjali in the Yoga Sutras, that ignorance is the greatest hindrance to enlightenment could’t be more compelling. It takes a great deal of courage and insight to even acknowledge that we are clinging and even more to choose to release our attachment.
Over the years I have learned to welcome the intensity that comes with a good struggle because, in Pema Chodron’s words, “to lead a more passionate, full, and delightful life...we must realize that we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is, how we tick and how our world ticks, how the whole thing just is. If we are committed to comfort at any cost, as soon as we come up against the least edge of pain, we’re going to run; we’ll never know what’s beyond that particular barrier or wall or fearful thing.”
from Pema Chodron from The Wisdom Of No Escape

Yoga can be an extraordinary tool for bringing into focus and then harnessing the fundamental energies and themes of one’s life experience.  Whether we like it or not the clarity revealed while practicing is not limited to the time spent on the mat.  In fact, the longer we practice the more we discover our yoga is permeating and effecting all aspects of our life – from the food we choose to eat, right up to our concept of god.  This is a “good” thing right…because we are “growing”?  Ultimately I believe the process of self examination we undertake by consistently returning to our mat day after day, season after season, year after year is very productive and part of evolving spiritually.  However, the process certainly doesn't always feel good – nor should it necessarily.  Whether you are sitting quietly in meditation or vigorously projecting yourself through the primary series, yoga acts as a mirror.  If we are practicing mindfully then yoga directly reflects back to us our mental, emotional and physical state.  If we are agitated then the agitation undoubtedly shows up in our practice.  If we are moving through a period of grief in our life, then the heaviness of the grief may present itself to us as we meditate.  If we are feeling unfettered or successful then our asana practice may feel equally light and free.  Any time you make the effort to see yourself clearly there is the possibility that you will see/experience/discover something uncomfortable.  If you practice yoga long enough you will find awkward periods, sad periods, strong periods…  The 90 minutes spent on the mat is like concentrated me time – time to decompress.  It is a bit naive to believe that the practice is only going to reveal our physical tangles.
This idea of self-exploration or self-study is know as Svadhyaya and is one of the Niyamas (the second limb of Ashtanga yoga relating to internal discipline).  I was trained to see yoga in general as a tool for gaining knowledge of the self.  In my own life I have found when I consciously engage in Svadhyaya and own it as part of my practice, the opportunity for transformation is amplified.  One of the incredible powers of Svadhyaya is its power to reveal the story lines we use to perpetuate our own inner drama.  For example believing we are too old, weak, inflexible, overweight, poor, etc., to execute this challenging practice.  When the story lines finally drop away (when we stick around long enough and are consistent in our practice) we discover the ability to be was there all along!

blank adj : complete or absolute
blank n : a complete absence of awareness or memory

As I was putting this newsletter together, I endeavored to write something eloquent and poignant to include.    I made several attempts, all of which felt forced.   Nothing was taking form except a fair amount of blankness.   Initially my lack of inspiration was irritating.   I felt uninspired and voiceless.   These feelings spawned doubt, which crept in (just for a second) and I thought,   "What kind of teacher am I?   Creativity can be daunting.   As a painter, I remember numerous hours spent blankly staring at pristine white canvases fighting off an overwhelming sense of urgency to find my voice.   All in all a rather disconcerting experience...or is it?   After overcoming my deer in the headlights neurosis, I began to reflect on the blankness I was feeling.    I came to the conclusion that blankness is much like space.   Space has a liberating quality to it that can create emphasis.   Life tends to get all jumbled together and confused without space.   Look at these words for example, without space they becomesvirtuallyunintelligible.   So instead of trying to fill the blankness and force it to become something,   I tried to relax into it.   I was almost immediately reminded of the tiny little opening, between the inhalation and the exhalation.   There is no action in that space, I mean you are neither inhaling nor exhaling - it's a neutral space or a blank space. The emptiness between the cycles of the breath couldn't be more important.   That little pause or space sets in motion the meter of our life...moment after moment, day after day and year after year.   Suddenly my blankness was feeling significant, even precious and definitely not disconcerting.   Of course the thrilling aspect of emptiness is the potential it holds for what lies ahead...in that next breath.   There is also such freedom in letting go enough to find the spaces between the end of one action and the beginning of another.   O yeah, ashtanga yoga is about finding the "blank" spaces as well.   The asanas act as resting spaces within the rhythmic dance of vinyasa.   The static nature of the postures, give the mind/body space to open into.   Perhaps being blank isn't such a terrible thing.   In fact maybe blankness is even a desirable quality.    In closing, as Rumi so often entreats, become a lover and allow duty to be transformed into inspiration...in those spaces practice is transformed into vivid wind song gently propelling you onward.

Elegance and grace are essentially refined expressions of poise.  Poise referring not to rigidity or contrived expression but rather a state of balanced suspension where one hovers in delighted anticipation.  Fundamental to yoga, poise dictates the skill with which we negotiate the forces at play in our minds and our bodies.   The grace and poise of fluid movement, vinyasa, is derived from a deep sense of joy and wonder.  We are most buoyant when we delight in the joy of being and cultivate a sense of inquisitive wonder.  To locate joy in our practice and our life we must learn to continually let go.  It’s in clinging or holding that we loose our buoyancy.  Primarily we are learning to let go of fear and aggression.  So we are learning to promote fearlessness and non-aggression.  Fear and aggression are limited constructs of the mind.  They are limited because their power is dependent on direct or latent reactions to external objects.  Joy, delight and wonder, on the other hand, are dependent only on willingness.  Chiefly its a willingness to consistently, honestly and gently step into the immediacy of experience.  By willingly engaging in an experience without fear or aggression we are making a subtle statement to ourselves about how we choose to be in the world.  This subtle statement sets in motion an internal stillness that brings with it the elegance and grace, the poise of un-self-conscious expression.  

“ Then we can move freely around our world without trying to change it particularly, but just expressing what needs to be expressed or uncovering what needs to be uncovered by means of our art.”  Chogyam Trungpa
 
The principle of cultivating poise sounds beautiful and facile.  However, I believe actualizing poise in ones life and practice is perhaps not as simple as it sounds.  The difficulty is in beginning where we are with what we have and then not becoming complacent as we learn to refine our expression.  Starting something requires that we bravely walk into a new experience...this is fearlessness.  Maintaining effort over time means that we lightheartedly remain open to the possibility of starting something new with each breath...this is non-aggression.  Every moment is a new space in which to explore.

I sit, legs crossed in front of me, concentrating on not concentrating, un-focusing awareness into the energy that is my body...into the heart space. As I watch, extraordinary, illusory images flow before my mind. My breath takes me deeper until mass/matter dissolve into infinite space and I am filled with an extraordinary vibration. I am awake.

The first time I remember awakening to this state of consciousness, I had been practicing Yoga, focusing on breathing alone - watching Prana (life/breath) ignite the energy centers of my being. I was simply pulling oxygen into my body, but for the first time I realized the significance this unconscious biological process holds. The rhythmic inhalation/ exhalation, inhalation/ exhalation was the most pervasive contact I had with the world outside of my being. Breath was providing the means for a symbiosis between existence and awareness...the inner and the outer. Each breath bathed my being with atoms of oxygen, thereby fueling the chemical reactions taking place in every cell in my body. Prana, breath, energy, air, matter was being pulled in, incorporated, exchanged and then expelled. Suddenly I knew myself, my Being, to be the energy that surrounded me.
These tiny atomic particles of energy are everywhere in our world, they are our world, we are built of them; all creatures and plants, all thoughts and actions, every thing has as its basis these transmutable particles of energy. This is a seeing or knowing without recognizing or making life something outside of the Self...a recognition of self creation...a death of the limited ego mind. Consciousness becomes rhythmic breath, a wave of ever expanding energy - undifferentiated - allowing the 'inner' and 'outer' worlds to mix on an emotional, conceptual level.
In this way, through the breath, everything conceived has vital manifestation as world energy. With these thoughts divisive matters of difference begin to dissolve and the possibilities for becoming in fullness, for living dynamically through the manifest energies about one can be realized. This knowing, that I am breath and that breath is energy and that energy is what propels all things into being, is the eternal aspect in all being; it is true, timeless history, it is Divinity. In this way everything all the time is causing everything else ( and so each thing can offer itself as an image of this constant Divine state.)
"Whenever anything is experienced simply in and for and as itself, without reference to any concepts, relevancies, or practical relationships, such a moment of sheer aesthetic arrest throws the viewer back for an instant upon his own existence with out meaning; for he too simply is - "thus Come" a vehicle for consciousness, like a spark flung out from a fire " (Campbell, Joseph. Myths to Live By. The Viking Press, New York, 1972.p 137.)

According to the traditions of Hinduism, out of which yoga took form, we exist in one of three states of consciousness at all times. The objective reality we all share and try to agree upon is the first state of awareness, its called jagrat. This waking state is identified with the limited concerns of the ego and its particular time and space. While in the jagrat state we are drowning in that which we seek, deluded by the very fabric of experience. Once asleep we begin to dream and enter the second state of consciousness called swapa. In dreams we continue to delude ourselves through attachments the ego has to the world, however, our experience becomes ours alone. The subjective nature of swapa can result in time and space becoming vague or warped. Beyond dreams we enter a deep state of awareness called sushupti. As we pass into unconsciousness we loose all identification with the ego and thus all reference to time and space slips away. While in sushupti, we flow into the eternal nature of the universe...then the alarm goes off, we hit the snooze button and the whole process starts anew. You might liken yoga to the lenses in eyeglasses. Yoga focuses or intensifies the energies of our life, thereby clarifying our attachments. With sustained practice yoga can take us to the fourth state of consciousness called turiya. Here we wake up to the eternal nature of the universe and begin to experience the bliss of samadhi moving beyond attachment.

Interestingly, the various states of awareness are part and parcel of the symbol and sound of Om (AUM). A represents jagrat, U invokes swapa, M symbolizes sushupti and the resonating vibration turiya. By chanting Om we make audible the very thing we seek.

Many of you have asked me about my experience with Guruji while I was in San Francisco, so I thought I would share some of my impressions with you.
Each morning I awoke at 4:45am and traveled into downtown San Francisco. I stood in line outside the Regency building waiting for a space for my mat in the crowded room within. I was one of more than 300 practioners in the first class. Space was at a premium...we were told not to stagger our mats. I was kicked as people rolled back in chakrasana and hit as people reached up in Virabadrasana 1. The first day was the hardest...it was easy to allow my mind to be distracted by so many people and hard to understand Guruji’s thick Indian accent. However, I had tears of gratitude in my eyes after that first day.
I have practiced Ashtanga yoga nearly half of my life and in that time worked with countless teachers. Practicing with Guruji was like returning home after a long trip...both familiar and soothingly comfortable. He was tough! His approach while confrontational was non-aggressive and reminded me a great deal of my own teaching style. I was struck by the direct nature of his teaching...unfettered by his individuality, it harkened to a much greater experience. For me the experience was like tuning a guitar and Guruji was the perfect pitch.
Finally, I was grateful for having been taught such a dynamic practice. Ashtanga yoga teaches us directly that liberation does not come looking for us. We must consistently make the effort to seek it out...it is in the seeking that we find freedom from our limitations.